


if they try to take you away, they will lose

by story_telling_sage



Series: The Years of John Doe [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Baltimore, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Neil Josten is a cockroach and you can't kill him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26650021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/story_telling_sage/pseuds/story_telling_sage
Summary: The Baltimore scene from my Years of John Doe verse. What changes when Neil and Renee have known each other since Neil was thirteen and they were both adopted by Stephanie together? One things for sure, the F.B.I. certainly wasn't prepared and honestly, neither was Neil.
Relationships: David Wymack & The Foxes, Neil Josten & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten & Renee Walker, Renee Walker & Stephanie Walker
Series: The Years of John Doe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939015
Comments: 15
Kudos: 53





	1. keep me safe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [augustach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/augustach/gifts).



> This work is entirely thanks to augustach! I'm in a weird place and honestly I'm just vibing. I have no idea why the muse pulled me back to Neil and Renee but here we are? Who knows, maybe more will come of this. I do have a chapter two prepared for next week where we actually get to see Neil, sorry I'm a tease.
> 
> Enjoy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter lyric from Violence by Blink-182

Neil told Renee about the countdown. He wasn’t stupid and while he knew Renee wouldn’t be able to stop his father, it would be enough for someone to know where he had gone. So when Neil signed _Thank you. You were amazing._ Renee heard the goodbye in his voice. When the guards maneuvered Neil away from the team, cut him off, Renee reached for knives she didn’t have. When she got back to the team bus with a sprained wrist and a black-eye already forming, it took Allison and Dan to keep Renee from going back out the door. 

“Neil’s in trouble!” Renee screamed.

“He can hold his own. He’ll be fine, Renee. He’s going to be alright.”

 _He won’t,_ Renee thought. She thought about bandaging Neil’s neck and about the hate it takes to slit someone’s throat and not finish the job. She thought, years later, one day I’ll have to bury him. She thought, now, _he’s dying, he’s dying, he’s dead._

“Let me go,” Renee snarled, but it was Andrew’s steady gaze that caused her to stop thrashing. “Help me find him.” 

An easy nod. A simple understanding. 

The team didn’t like it. Wymack just stared at them, Renee’s face becoming an eerie match of Andrew at his coldest. “Make sure you come back in one piece,” was all he said. _Renee,_ Allison protested, but Renee felt Natalie rising up from underneath her skin. 

The riot had calmed down, as Renee and Andrew sorted through the lingering crowds and discarded trash. Renee kept that hope alive, that impossible thought that maybe she was wrong, maybe he was okay, maybe Neil was just hurt, not dying, not dead. And then she found his bag. His phone. His keys. Neil had lived with Stephanie for almost a year before he trusted them enough to unpack, to settle. 

Neil didn’t have that at PSU. Not yet. He kept everything he needed in his duffle bag and held onto it for dear life. If Neil had left, if Neil had run, he would have taken the bag with him. It wouldn’t be here, discarded among coolers and broken beer bottles.

“He’s gone,” Andrew said, voice empty. 

“He was taken.”

“He ran."

“He’s my brother. He wouldn’t run.”

“Then where is he?”

Renee swallowed, Natalie raging against her ribcage and said, “Baltimore.”

The bus went terribly silent when Renee entered the bus with Neil’s duffle over her shoulder and Andrew holding Neil’s exy stick. 

“Where is he?” Nicky asked first. “No one’s seen Neil since the riot started. Abby’s with Matt at the hospital and he isn’t there either. She’s calling around but--” Nicky looked to Renee for an answer, hoping that Neil’s adoptive-sister would have the answers that none of them could find. Unfortunately, she did. 

“Baltimore.”

“No,” Kevin said, face going ashen and Renee took a deep breath. Interesting. “He _isn’t_. His father is in prison.”

“He told you about his father?”

“Told me? He didn’t need to tell me anything! You _knew_?”

“Knew what!” Allison shouted. Renee had briefly forgotten their audience. The team -- minus Matt and Abby -- were watching them with wide eyes. Neil didn’t tell people about his family. She was shocked he had told Kevin anything. 

“No, he cannot--- _no_ ,” Kevin stammered, going paler every moment. 

It happened in a flash. Maybe Renee would have seen it coming, but even if she had, she wouldn’t have stopped it. When Andrew lunged, Renee stepped out of his way. When his fingers closed around Kevin’s throat, all Renee could think about was Neil’s necklace of bloody bandages. When Matt tried to pry Andrew off and Allison looked at her, expectant, Renee took a breath and watched. 

Neil was _gone_ and Kevin had answers. Natalie nodded her approval at Andrew’s methods, smiled, and it wasn’t near enough. 

It was Nicky’s gentle hand, softly muttered words, that caused Andrew to step back. 

“Tell me,” Andrew snarls. And Renee takes that as her cue.

“Neil’s father is a crime lord on the east coast. He got out of prison this year and Neil’s afraid of what might happen if his dad found him.”

“Kevin?” Andrew asked icily. Kevin shook his head, tried to breathe, but froze at the flex of Andrew’s fingers.

“That’s not all he is,” Kevin choked out. “He’s the Moriyama’s Butcher.”

Natalie felt her blood chill. Neil never told her his father’s title. She never asked. _Butcher._

 _“I never understood why he used knives,”_ Neil told Renee once. She hadn’t known what he meant at the time. He’d been sitting on Stepahnie’s windowsill, tracing the tip of his switchblade just above his skin. 

It had been the third anniversary of his mother’s death. It was always hard to keep Neil away from high places on that day. 

His father used knives. _Butcher._

And then it hit her-- Moriyama. _Oh, Neil, why didn’t you tell me?_ How many devils were barking at his heels? 

“But how did his father take him?” someone, Dan maybe, asked. And Renee remembered. _Thank you. You were amazing._ Two security guards at Neil’s side. The careful way he held himself between the Foxes and those two men that none of them had recognized at the time and Renee wondered why she ever gave her knives to Andrew. 

_I could have helped,_ she thought, before shoving that hopelessness down into the pit of her stomach. 

“The guards. They must have been Nathan’s people.”

“But if it’s his father, shouldn’t he be okay? I mean-- they’re family. He wouldn't-- I mean-- he wouldn't _kill_ him-- right?” Nicky said, sweet Nicky. He could be abused, beaten, and betrayed and he’d forgive a man because they shared blood. Neil’s family wasn’t like that. 

There was no forgiveness. Renee had tended to his wounds, back when he hadn’t even had a name. She saw what his father’s love looked like. It wasn’t Nicky’s fault, Renee would remind herself later, but in that moment she bared her teeth and snarled:

“Who do you think slit his throat?”

The bus went silent. Maybe Renee was revealing too much. Maybe it didn’t matter. Neil was gone and they were still _fucking_ here.

“When can we get Abby and Matt? We need to go to Baltimore.”

“What do you think you’ll do there? It’s the Butcher!” Kevin said and it’s all Renee could do to not let Natalie out of her cage. 

“I’ll find him, alive or a body to bury; I don’t care! He’s my brother.” _I won’t leave him there to die alone._

~ ~ ~

Renee couldn’t tell you what happened next, necessarily. Coach called Abby and they started driving. Everyone sat down, no one speaking, and Renee could feel the eyes on her. Allison and Dan watched her worriedly, but Renee didn’t want their worry. Instead, she curled up in the back row of the bus with Neil’s duffle and sorted through it. 

She pulled out his PSU sweatshirt and let herself bury herself in it for a moment. This was her brother. But when Renee’s fingers brushed against the hard metallic of his phone, she froze. Her fingers slipped around the phone and pulled it out. 

Once it was unlocked, the call log was already pulled up on the screen and Renee felt herself freeze. Someone had called Neil, right before. Without thinking, Renee hit call. She thought it was going to ring out until the last moment when she heard the click of someone picking up.

“Who’s this, Nathaniel?” she heard a voice saying, sharp and mocking. 

“You must be the girl playing at big sister. Tsk, tsk. Guess you weren’t so helpful after all?”

“If you so much as touch him,” Natalie seethed, and she ignored the way Allison and Dan swung their heads toward her. 

“Ooh, hear that Nathaniel? You want me to tell big sis what we’re doing to you? How about something better, why don’t you scream for her. I know you can, Nathaniel. Come on, scream for her why don’t you?”

And he did. Renee didn’t know what they were doing to him, but she knew the scream that echoed from the strained speaker.

“Neil,” Renee said, her voice as steady as she could make it, “listen to me. I will find you. I _will_.”

“And I think that’s enough,” the woman said, taking the phone off speaker phone. Renee could still hear Neil’s screams and someone laughing. _Laughing_.

When the call ended, hung up, Renee didn’t stop herself from throwing the phone across the bus. The space Dan and Allison had been giving her evaporated and Renee felt herself cushioned between these two strong girls while sobs wracked her body. _Neil_. 

“They’ll kill him,” Renee choked into Dan’s shoulder. “ _They’re_ _killing_ _him_.”

They were killing her brother. 

~ ~ ~

Renee had stopped crying once they reached Baltimore. The entire bus was eerily silent. Abby was driving the bus while Coach was on the phone with different hospitals in the Baltimore area asking for people with Neil’s description to no avail. 

Renee didn’t know where to go from here. They were in Baltimore but Kevin was right. It’s not like she could just storm up to Nathan’s house and demand her brother back. That’s how she got murdered and Stephanie had to bury two bodies. 

“I’ve got us two hotel rooms. You all need to clean up and rest while me and Abby take care of this,” Coach said and Renee didn’t protest yet. Neither did Andrew, though Renee could see his unmoving stare. They all maneuvered into the rooms and Abby finally took the chance to make sure they were all as okay as could be. Renee’s aching wrist was finally iced and wrapped and Renee took a look at her team, really looked at them. 

They didn’t look defeated. Not yet. All of them were bloody and bruised and just now in the process of showering the grim of the riot off their skin, leaving everything fresh underneath. _Neil should be here,_ Renee thought. _We won. We made finals. Neil should be here._

Neil wasn’t here and it was all she could do to not start crying again. The instinct was even harder when she looked down at Neil’s phone. _Stephanie._ Renee needed to call her. How do you call your mother and tell her something like this?

Renee and Stephanie had talked about their fear of burying Neil. His reckless impulses that even the stability of Stephanie’s house hadn’t been able to curb. His deathwish that almost seemed embedded in his DNA at time. 

But this wasn’t how they thought it would end. Stephanie didn’t even know. _How was—_ The phone started ringing, but it took a moment for Renee to realize it wasn’t Neil’s phone buzzing in her hands. No, she reached for her own bag in what felt like slow motion. 

_Stephanie Walker_ was printed right across the screen. Dan looked over worriedly as the phone stopped ringing, and promptly started again. 

“Renee?” she asked, softer than Renee had ever heard. 

_I can’t tell her,_ Renee thought. _He’s dying._

Dan lifted the phone gently out of Renee’s hands and pressed the “answer” button and put the phone on speaker. 

“Hi Mrs. Walker,” Dan said and Renee made herself pay attention. Made herself breathe. 

“Dan?” The surprise was clear in Stephanie’s voice. “Where is Renee? I—” a choked sound and Renee needs to fight her way back to the surface, she needed to listen but everything was underwater. Everything was fucking suffocating and Renee remembered why she used to raid her mom’s medicine cabinets on the bad days because _anything was better than this._

“She’s sitting here with me, Ms. Walker. Something… I’m sorry, but something happened to Neil. Renee wanted to wait until we had more information to call you—”

“I know. I just… I just got off the phone with the _F.B.I._ They said Neil’s in Baltimore. They said—”

“His dad,” Renee heard her voice whisper. “You know how he told us about his mom? His dad—” it wasn’t quite a sob building in Renee’s chest but it clogged her throat nonetheless. “It’s bad, Mom. It’s bad.”

“They said he’s at Saint Francis’ Hospital. I’m booking the first flight out, I’ll send you a ticket too.” She kept talking, Renee was sure. But Renee’s entire world had frozen.

Hospital. 

_Alive._

“We’re already there, Mom,” Renee said shakily. “I-- I can explain later, but we’re in Baltimore. I thought-- it doesn’t matter. You said Saint Francis?”

“Yes. Renee… he’s in F.B.I. custody.” 

“And I’m already calling my lawyers,” Allison said and Renee hadn’t even heard her approach. “We’ll have him away from the Goon Squad before you land, Miss Walker.” 

Renee motioned for Dan to pass her the phone over and her best friend nodded. 

“I’m going to go tell Coach and the monsters, okay?” Renee nodded, taking the phone into her hands and clicking off speaker phone. Matt got up to go with Dan and Allison was already dialing her private legal team, leaving Renee to talk to Stephanie. 

“What did they tell you?” Renee asked. 

“That his biological father was a crime lord on the east coast and the F.B.I. was holding him for ‘cooperation.’ They said something about witness protection, I don’t know. They wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone.”

“I don’t know everything, Mom. I just knew pieces. Enough to know that when we couldn’t find Neil after the game that his dad probably caught up with him. I didn’t know-- There’s a lot happening, Mom. And I can’t explain it. And I don’t even know if Neil can. But-- they said he’s alive?”

“Yes, he’s alive. But Renee, sweetie, they said he’s hurt badly.”

 _Just promise me we’ll take him home_ , Renee thought, or maybe said. Because Stepahnie went oddly silent on the other end of the phone. 

“Oh baby… of course we’re going to take him home. He’s my son and your brother and he’s a Walker. I won’t let them take him from me, not for anything.”

 _He’s alive,_ Renee reminded herself. 

“I need to get to the airport now. I’ll be there as soon as I can. You go find him, okay?”

“I-I promise. I’ll see you soon?”

“I’ll text you my flight number and I’ll catch a cab from the airport to wherever you are. Promise.”

“Love you,” Renee said and the storm in her chest hadn’t settled, but the storm clouds were beginning to part. 

“Love you too.” 

When the phone clicked off, Coach had come into the room with the rest of the Foxes on his heels. Andrew, Renee noted, was on the opposite side of the room from Kevin. A problem for later, much later. 

“Neil’s at Saint Francis Hospital. Call a cab, Coach? We’re not going to want to take the bus.” Renee didn’t realize her hands were shaking until Dan clasp their fingers together. What Renee wouldn’t give to shake apart with relief right then. Neil was _alive_ , but he wasn’t safe yet. They still had who-knows how many hoops to jump through and that was before they even started to address the consequences this would have with the Moriyamas. 

_One step at a time._ It was a mantra Renee had taken to heart during her recovery and she held it in her chest now. One step at a time. 

“Allison, where are we at with those lawyers?”

“They’re trying to find me someone in their D.C. office who can drive up as soon as possible. Current directive is invoking his right to a lawyer and his right to remain silent which I’m going to give exy-brain enough credit to figure he knows?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll keep you updated once we’re at the hospital so you can send them our way. Coach?”

“Taxi’s here. I’m coming with you,” he said and Renee very carefully did not sag in relief. Coach had more experience than most of them with getting kids out of tricky situations and what either of them lacked in legal knowledge, they’d make up for in sheer stubbornness. Coach wouldn’t let Neil go, no matter what. 

“We’ll be back as soon as we can,” Renee tried to reassure the room, but the words echoed hollow. Allison and Dan exchanged looks, unwillingly to let Renee leave their sight. She just smiled, or attempted to, and glanced at Matt. _Protect them,_ she asked with her eyes, and Matt nodded. Even with his left arm in a sling and a myriad of colorful bruising across his face, Matt set his jaw with a look of steely determination. 

With a last squeeze to Dan’s hand and a hug from Allison and Nicky, Renee and Coach left the room. To neither’s surprise, Andrew was right behind them. Halfway down the hall, Renee took a deep breath and turned to her friend. She knew how much Neil meant to Andrew, or at least she thought she did, and what she was about to ask wouldn’t be easy.

“Andrew,” she said and she didn’t bother letting her voice go soft. Andrew didn’t need her soft reassurances, he needed his sparring partner, so Renee grasped onto her ruthless pragmatism and hoped for the best. “I need you to stay here.”

The blonde balked, ready to snarl back a retort but Renee cut him off. 

“Someone needs to watch over the Foxes. We don’t know who is still out there or what might be coming. I will bring Neil home, but you need to make sure he has somewhere to come back to.”

Anger and understanding warred across his face before Andrew nodded imperceptibly. Renee would need to find a way to thank him later. For now, brining Neil home would have to be enough.

_I’m coming, Neil.  
_


	2. keep me sane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baltimore from Neil's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are going to be three chapters now because I live for angst. Also I feel in love with the song lyrics "keep me safe, keep me sane, keep me honest" so now there are chapter titles. Enjoy and please check the updated trigger warnings! 
> 
> There are description of suicidal ideation and reference to rape/non-con. Plus, well, Baltimore as a whole.

Neil stood in that shower stall, water still tripping off him, and willed himself to stop shaking. 

_ Nice of you to pick up the phone, Junior. I’d say cat got your tongue but that was my knife, wasn’t it? A shame I didn’t finish the job back then. At least I can finish it now. Don’t bother saying anything, Nathaniel, dear. I’ve got some friends waiting for you and you’re either going to go with them, or I’m going to make what we did to you and your mother look like paradise. It would be a shame when you’ve got such a nice, pretend family too.  _

_ Wouldn’t want to lose Mommy a second time, now would you? And big sister too. So sweet. So vulnerable. I trust we won’t have a problem? _

_ A cruel laugh that Neil was all too familiar with came through the tinny speakers and Neil swallowed hard. I’m going to trust you got the message, but if not, I guess we’ll be having our fun soon regardless. Remember, we just want you Nataniel. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.  _

He tucked his phone into his duffle bag, pulled on his sweatpants and after-game t-shirt, and made himself breathe. He had known something was coming. Renee knew too. He just hadn’t thought it would be this. 

If Lola’s voice wasn’t enough, seeing Romero and Jackson anywhere near his foxes was enough to make Neil compliant. Especially once he caught sight of the guns on their hips. Jackson caught his eye and grinned wickedly, letting his hand go to rest on the weapon and Neil grit his teeth.  _ Act natural.  _

“Everyone ready to go?” Dan asked and Neil forced himself to nod. Before they started leaving though Neil caught Renee’s eyes.  _ Thank you,  _ he signed. His eyes flicking around the room, he saw Andrew too and hoped he understood. If not, Renee would explain later.  _ You were amazing.  _

Walking down that hallway felt like walking to his own funeral, but even so Neil wasn’t prepared for the hell that erupted. He knew they had to have something planned to get him away from the Foxes, but a riot? Neil desperately tried to look back to check on his team but Jackson had him by the back of the neck, marching him forward. 

Once they left the crowds behind, Neil started to struggle. Gritting his teeth and tried to lung out of Jackson’s grasp only to be pulled back with enough force it nearly dislocated his shoulder. Not giving up quite yet, Neil continued to struggle until Romero’s fist landed a blow to his stomach. It stole his breath and before he could begin to struggle again Neil was being forced into the back of a patrol car. They didn’t waste any time handcuffing him in place, even as Neil tried to yank his hands away.. 

“Look what the cat dragged in,” a voice drawled and Neil  _ froze _ . He would never fear anyone as much as his father, but the woman who slit his throat is a close second. In that moment he wasn’t Neil Walker anymore, he was just Nathaniel, and for a brief moment of grief, Nathaniel realized he would never have the chance to be Neil again. Sensing his impending dread, Lola grinned as Neil’s face went paler, the smile too large for her face. Like it wasn’t supposed to be there. 

“Didn’t Junior grow up nice? Except for that scar of course.” She ran her finger along the line of scar tissue that would permanently mar his neck and there was nowhere for Neil to escape to. “Don’t worry,” she whispered in his ear, “you won’t have to live with it for long.”

_ Fuck you,  _ Nathaniel Neil thought, trying to muster up his resolve. 

“Speaking of which, it’s tradition for me to tell the corpses what I’m planning on doing to their pieces. Don’t you want to hear, Nathaniel? Just speak up if you want me to stop.” Lola didn’t spare any detail or any cruelty, and Neil knew it was just the beginning of the night’s affair. He used every bit of strength he could find to keep his face blank. 

He would be afraid of Lola until the moment that he died, but she didn’t need to know that. It was the least he could do for himself in this moment, even if it did nothing to help him in the wrong long. 

_ Nothing will help me now.  _

They stopped only briefly to transfer Neil into a different car off the side of the highway. “Give us any trouble and Rome won’t think twice about shooting you.” As if you make her point clear, Romero waved his gun in Neil’s face for good measure. He thought about digging his heels in but ultimately decided to save his strength. Renee might find his body, or parts of it, in Baltimore if she made enough of a fuss. She’d never find him shot dead on a back road and today was awful enough without taking a bullet. 

_ Renee,  _ Neil thought, and swallowed his grief. He let himself be manhandled into the front seat of the car and didn’t struggle as Lola cuffed his legs to the seat rail. He didn’t quite succeed in not jerking away as Lola pulled his arms back, cold metal closing around his wrist. 

For just a moment, Neil felt John surface as the memories of Evermore. He thought about letting Neil go, allowing John to rise to the top and protect him like he had at Evermore, but Neil wasn’t ready to say goodbye. If he gave up now, Neil would never come back.

_ Stop it,  _ he wanted to say but all that came out was a wordless snarl. Lola’s responding laugh hurt almost as much as the cuffs biting into his wrists. Luckily, he was distracted by the cuffs a moment later as the tip of Lola’s knife dug into the back of his hand, covering both of them in vein-like lacerations. 

It was a certain definition of lucky, that was for sure. 

Still, the pain in his hands became minimal in comparison to Neil’s fear when Lola stopped her torment and leaned between the front seats. She playfully traced her knife over Neil’s tattoo.

“We’re gonna need to get rid of that, Junior. Daddy dearest won’t like it.” Neil waited for the pain of the knife carving the number off his face, but the pain never came. Instead, Romero leaned forward and clicked a button on the dashboard. In hindsight, Neil knew what was coming, but his mind refused to accept it. 

Even as Romero handed the red-hot lighter to Lola. Even as she lifted it to his face, letting him get a good look at the instrument that was going to maim him. 

“Don’t flinch,” she whispered softly in his ear and Neil felt an overwhelming wave of pain. He tried to stay still, he did, but he inevitably pulled away from the agony only to feel his cheek meet Lola’s knife. He knew it would only make it worse, but Neil began to struggle. 

Anything to get away. Anything. 

Neil knew his face was a mess by the time she finally pulled away, but Neil was too consumed with the pain. 

“Oh that looks nice,” Lola said, turning his face towards her to get a good look at her handiwork. She smiled in admiration, digging her nails into his bleeding flesh in satisfaction. Neil was sure he had screamed before, but he was cognisant of it now, the half-sob that tore from his chest. 

_ I want to go home,  _ he thought, but there was nowhere for Neil to go. 

“Now I’ve got a few questions to ask, Nathaniel. We’ll stick to yes or no for now, for simplicity's sake.” Neil gasped in a breath. “Tell me about Mommy Dearest, little Nathaniel. Let's start simple. Is she alive?”

Neil shook his head no and thought about praying they’d believe him. It didn’t matter either way, because Lola just  _ tsked _ . 

“I don’t know. Rome? I think we might need to provide a little motivation to make sure he’s telling the truth.” 

Neil hadn’t noticed the lighter re-heating in the dashboard, but his eyes couldn’t stop following it now that it was in Romero’s hands. 

“Might as well be sure,” he agreed. Lola’s hooked an arm around Neil’s throat to hold him still and Neil felt his world narrow down to the concentration of heat on his face and the acrid smell of burning flesh.  _ His burning flesh.  _ As soon as the lighter pulled away Neil kept shaking his head no, biting back tears. 

Neil heard them talking, he was sure, but he took the moment to collect what little composure he had before the next round of torture started. It didn’t matter, he knew; his answers wouldn’t change anything.

“How about a few more? Promise we’ll leave that pretty face alone, Junior.” 

Neil knew it was possible for things to get worse, but that didn’t prepare him for the even higher spike in fear as the dashboard lighter moved to the backseat. After this, Neil was pretty sure he’d never smoke again. Stephanie would be proud, he thought, and that was the last thought he had before Lola pressed the lighter to his arms.

He was sure she had asked a question, but Neil couldn’t answer. His hands were tied, his only method of communication taken from him, and Neil made peace with the fact that nothing he could do would stop this. Not the knife biting into the soft flesh of his arms, drawing lines of life across his skin. Not the actual fire burning his skin. Nothing. 

He let the pain wash him away until the sound of a phone ringing drew him back to reality. At first it didn’t even register until Lola was saying his name in that voice that meant danger.

“Who’s this, Nathaniel?” she asked, like a joke, and Neil swallowed hard. His phone. He’d left Renee his phone. Wordlessly, Neil shook his head  _ no  _ desperately.  _ Hang up,  _ he tried to will Renee across such a distance. But Neil knew his sister’s stubbornness as well as he knew his own.

“You must be the girl playing at big sister. Tsk, tsk. Guess you weren’t so helpful after all?”

“If you so much as touch him,” Renee’s voice snarled through the speaker and Neil swallowed back a sob. He didn’t want Renee to hear this. He didn’t want this to be the last thing she remembered. Lola, however, had better ideas. 

“Ooh, hear that Nathaniel?” she said mockingly, leaning forward to make sure he was closer to the speaker. Her nails dug into his recently burned flesh and it was all Neil could do to only let a whimper escape. 

“You want me to tell big sis what we’re doing to you?”  _ No. _ “How about something better, why don’t you scream for her.”  _ No. Please. No. _ “I know you can, Nathaniel. Come on, scream for her why don’t you?”

And he did. Lola didn’t give him a choice in the matter as she set to work with her knife once more. 

“Neil,” he thought he heard Renee saying, but Neil knew it was probably just a dream. Maybe this was all just a dream. 

But the pain wasn’t. Lola’s laughter wasn’t. Renee’s phantom screams, Neil knew, at least were. He didn’t want that to be her last memory of him. And he didn’t want that to be his last memory of her either. So for a moment Neil let himself focus on everything that Renee had given him over the years. What they’ve given each other.

Trust and knives. Accountability and understanding. The way Renee always had his back, even on the worst days, even on the days he didn’t want her there. 

Neil remembered Renee, taking his knives away on the days Neil simply wanted to slash his wrists open. The way she loved him, quiet and steady and the feeling of home she found in his chest. He remembered Andrew and their exchange of truths. Sparring matches and something that felt like trust. His brain filled with images of Matt and Dan stumbling over ASL because they wanted to  _ hear _ Neil when he spoke. The way Wymack didn’t begrudge him his flinches and Nicky’s kind laughter and easy friendship. Kevin on the court believing in Neil more than Neil knew how to believe in himself. Stephanie’s love that didn’t taste like his mother’s fists. 

_ Family,  _ he thought. He knew this was a possibility, knew this was what he risked by coming to Palmetto State. Knew this is what he risked when he took Renee’s hand on that cold Detroit morning.  _ Worth it,  _ he thought, and Neil hoped they felt the same.

The Foxes wouldn’t make it to finals, but Neil knew that wouldn’t stop them next year. He wondered, morbidly, if he’d get a banner too. Stephanie would bury him, he thought. He’d get a funeral. It wasn’t something Neil even thought he’d have.

Lola called him Nathaniel, but Neil hadn’t been Nathaniel in so long. And, he found, he wasn’t that boy now. He wouldn’t be Nathaniel in the end, scared and alone. He was alone, yes, and he was scared, but he held tightly to the memory of his family and his foxes close. He had been so many people, all of them a lie, but Neil was a steady truth he enveloped himself in. 

It was Neil’s blood being spilled. It was Neil who’d be mourned. It’d be him, the real him, at the end of all things. It didn’t make Lola’s knives hurt any less, but it provided a safe retreat for the moment. 

Neil didn’t register the car coming to a stop until Lola’s nails dug into his injured, bloody arms bringing Neil back to brutal reality.

“Up,” she said and Neil didn’t have the energy to protest. They hauled him out of the car, moving him towards another squad car. However, Neil still had the will to glare at the police officers who had given up their ride. 

_ How much are they paying you?  _ Neil thought.  _ To break your oaths?  _

The younger officer shuttered under Neil’s glare and the older one tried to reassure his partner. “It’s nothing personal,” he said, though to who Neil wasn’t sure. 

_ It’s my life,  _ Neil thought,  _ of course it’s personal.  _

He swallowed down his panic and pain as Romeo lifted him bodily into the back of his truck, but his instincts were harder to keep at bay when Lola crawled on top of him. She licked her lips, leaning too close to Neil’s neck for comfort.  _ I’ve been here before, _ Neil thought.

AJ holding him down on the rooftop, hot breath in his ear. Riko holding  ~~ John Nathaniel ~~ Neil’s gaze as he ordered Jean on top of him. 

“A little young for me,” Lola said softly. Her words were contradicted by the suggestive rock of her hips and Neil snarled. “So much like your father.” With nothing else to do, Neil grit his teeth and waited. It would all be over soon, one way or another.

It said something that Neil didn’t even try to pull away when Lola produced the cloth covered in chloroform. Neil didn’t want to think about it, so he simply didn’t. 

The darkness was blissful until Neil woke up with his bloody cheek digging into cool concrete. His consciousness came back with the jarring sensation of pain radiating from his whole body. His face was pure agony and even the simple act of pushing himself into a sitting position sent bolts of pain running through Neil’s arms. Still, slowly but surely, Neil came back to awareness only to wish he hadn’t.

He knew this basement intimately. These concrete walls had seen many of Neil’s childhood lessons, it had been the very place he and his mother escaped from, it was where his father did his dirtiest work.  _ His father,  _ Neil thought,  _ is here.  _

“Look who’s awake,” Lola’s sickly voice said and Neil finally noticed her watching him. But in his father’s house, Lola was suddenly the least of his problems. It seemed even she knew this because they waited in silence. There was nothing to say. Nothing to do. Not until Nathan decided to grace them with his presence. 

It came sooner than Neil had hoped. The basement door slamming open to reveal the silhouette of an all too familiar man. Once he stepped into the light it was even worse. Two years in prison and his father hadn’t changed. Six years since Neil saw him last and Nathan had only gained more muscle and a few more wrinkles.  _ And,  _ Neil thought vindictively,  _ some new scars.  _ His mother had died, but not before she shot her husband. 

Neil wished for her strength to leave his father worse off than when he came, but he was afraid all of his strength had gone into sitting up. And even that wasn’t enough. 

“On your feet,” Nathan barked. “You know better than to sit in my presence.” 

Neil found his legs without thinking and scrambled to stand up. He heard someone laughing, probably Lola, at his ingrained eagerness. 

“Junior,” his father said. Neil went deathly still as his father reached out, clasping Neil on the shoulder and holding hard enough to bruise. Neil braced himself for the inevitable impact but that still didn’t prepare him for Nathan’s fist slamming into his burned cheek. Collapsing with a gasp, Neil didn’t even get a moment to catch his breath. His father’s hands were around his son’s throat. If Neil didn’t know how his father liked to take his time, he'd be worried this is how he died. 

No. Strangulation was much too kind for him.

“My greatest disappointment,” he said, nearly dangling Neil off the floor with his fist. “Where is your mother? She has hell to pay for what she’s done to me.”

Waiting for an answer, Nathan set Neil down and gave him a moment to catch his breath. Not that it helped. There was nothing he could tell them and he doubted any of his father’s people had picked up ASL since he’d been gone. 

_ Dead,  _ he mouthed and hoped his father understood. 

“When?” his father snarled and Neil swallowed hard. He let his hand come to rest on the scar tissue circling his neck and pointed to Lola with his other. 

_ Canada,  _ he mouthed and his father’s answering smirk was enough. 

“A shame. I was hoping to spend more time with her. Oh well, I will make do with you. Don’t worry my son, you will pay for your own sins first.” 

Neil felt his body waver and it said something that his father didn’t force him to his feet. Instead he was kneeling at the altar of his father. He swallowed hard and waited for the sacrifice. His penance, after all, could only be paid in blood. His father’s favored currency. However, Neil’s eyes were still locked on his father so he didn’t miss a moment once Nathan pulled out his cleaver.

_ Run,  _ his mother’s voice whispered in his ear and Neil launched himself towards the other side of the room. Completely unfazed, his father took an experimental swing with his signature weapon. 

“You know,” he said, “you’ll be the first person I’ve taken apart since I came home. What a welcome home present. DiMaccio?”

Neil was surrounded on all sides. Lola stood to his left, his father before him, and his father’s left hand, Patrick DiMaccio. That, however, didn’t stop Neil’s attempt to lung through the cracks. Lola was the smallest, but she had already pulled out her own twin knives. DiMaccio it would be. It was a fruitless effort, attempting to slide past a man who was three hundred pounds of drug-induced muscle but let no one say Neil didn’t try his best.

His best, however, didn’t stop DiMaccio from gripping Neil’s arms with such a bruising force that he sent Neil to his knees.

“I’ve thought for so long about how to make you pay. I think…” Nathan said thoughtfully, “I’ll start with your legs. It might have been your mother’s idea to run, Nathaniel, but that doesn’t mean you won’t pay for it. You’ll never escape me again. 

Neil’s entire body froze as he was pushed onto his stomach, DiMaccio holding his back down. His inability to see his father coming was enough to drive Neil to panic if the thought of losing use of his legs wasn’t. He felt the cold sensation of metal against the back of his legs, a sucked in breath of anticipation, but the pain Neil was waiting for never came. 

It was interrupted by the slamming of a door and the sound of bullets hitting everything in their path. Suddenly the weight that was holding Neil down was removed, leaving Neil free to curl in on himself with the vain hope of protecting himself, or what was left of him. When the bullets stopped flying, Neil opened his eyes to see his father kneeling this time. 

Four guns kept him pinned to the floor and snarling. But none of them would be his father’s executioner. That honor would go to the man descending the stairs. It had been almost a decade since Neil saw his uncle and age hadn’t been kind. Still, it was easy to see his mother’s ghost in their shared features. It would steal Neil’s breath if he had any left, but he didn’t. 

“Bloody hell, Nathaniel?” his uncle asked, aghast. Neil only nodded. “Where’s your mother? Where’s Mary?” But Neil couldn’t answer with words, so he simply shook his head  _ no _ . It was enough to kill the sudden hope that had entered his uncle’s eyes and it made what happened next all the more sweeter:

“Don’t look,” he ordered his nephew, but Neil couldn’t tear his eyes away from his father bent down in submission. 

Two bullets to the chest was enough to topple the Butcher of Baltimore, the nightmare of Neil’s life, and he’d savor the sight of his father sagging lifelessly to the floor for as long as he lived. 

Stuart Hatford came and kneeled next to Neil next, holding his nephew’s bleeding face as gently as he could. His uncle cursed and cursed in his favored Irish before finally speaking up. “We can’t take you,” he said, “we have to strike a deal with the Moriyamas. The F.B.I. will take you, but do not say a word, do you understand? We will be back for you, I promise.”

Neil nodded, not all together processing everything, but that was enough confirmation for his uncle. In a rare fit of tenderness most likely meant for his dead mother, Stuart pressed a kiss to Neil’s forehead as his men evacuated through the secret tunnel. Neil wasn’t sure how long he sat there, crumpled next to his father and his people’s unmoving bodies before the basement door slammed open for the third time that night. 

He heard shouts of  _ F.B.I. freeze!  _ and Neil kept himself still. When one of the agents turned their gun on Neil, he couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the shocked look on the agent’s face. Everything was abrupt, just then, unreal and intangible.  _ Who are you?  _ they asked, but Neil just laughed and laughed until he couldn’t breathe, his whole body shaking with the effort of existence. Someone grasped Neil’s shoulder, made him place his head between his knees, but it didn’t help. 

Neil kept his eyes on his father’s corpse and let the strange sensation of safety wash over him.

_ His father was dead.  _

Nothing, not even the F.B.I. could keep Neil from the infinite darkness that beckoned to him.


End file.
